Written by Lakeisha and SNK
THREE MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT CELIBACY
- PEOPLE ONLY BECOME CELIBATE FOR RELIGIOUS REASONS
People often relate celibacy with religion and that’s not wrong, the two are commonly known to come hand in hand. However, celibacy is not exclusive to religious communities, and it doesn’t have to be your reason why.
- CELIBACY MEANS NO SEX OR DATING WHATSOEVER
Not necessarily, everyone’s boundaries differ. Some people only abstain from penetrative sex but engage in oral sex or mutual masturbation. There are celibate couples who are romantically involved and abstain from sex. Some refrain from all physical contact including cuddling, kissing and hand holding. Others stay away from sex and dating completely. You define your boundaries. No decision makes you better or worse than the other.
- YOU CAN’T BE CELIBATE IF YOU’RE NOT A VIRGIN
Wrong.
“I am losing hearing in my left eye, it’s been so long”
LAKEISHA
What is celibacy, well the google definition is:
noun: celibacy
the state of abstaining from marriage and sexual relations.
My definition
noun: celibacy
Not letting anyone’s dusty ass son have access to me or my good good pum pum.
I didn’t actively seek to be celibate, life thrust it upon me. As I’ve grown and become more comfortable within myself, I’ve realised I can only sleep with people I have a connection with and with that I’ve frequently gone long periods of time without sex. After an incident on a trip abroad, I became a recluse and did not want to be around anyone, I hated being touched, I didn’t want to leave the house, and this turned into not wanting to have any type of relationship/dating life. Next thing you know I’ve been celibate for 3 years and had no intention to change it. I spoke to friends who made me feel like I was missing out and was crazy for being so comfortable not having any type of intimacy- so I ended up downloading Bumble and going on a date. I met two guys and the date with the 2nd guy was great! Following the first date, I ended up dating him for 8 months (womp womp, celibacy was well and truly over cos we were at it like rabbits). Although, dating was great while it lasted, it was over Christmas day 2021 and I’ve gone back to my old ways in keeping to myself.
“I have moments when I don’t think about it at all and moments when my coochie wants to be a hoochie“
SNK
My view on sex can go from meaning absolutely nothing to meaning something much bigger and back again. It can be enticing and liberating, sometimes it feels shameful and most often than not it’s just, meh. Which is why right now, celibacy feels like the best choice for me while I figure things out.
The first time I went celibate was during my first year of university. Unfortunately, like many others, going celibate was not a choice of my own but a trauma response due to someone else’s actions. Over a year later, we introduce my then friend with benefits turned boyfriend turned ex-boyfriend. Following the breakup, sex was off the table for another two years until, my hormone monster came knocking and I had a different FWB situation for about four months give or take. (I personally believe no FWB relationship should last longer than 6 months but you can read all about that here). Fast forward to early 2022 where I decided to voluntarily take a step away from dating and sex to focus on myself because honestly I just don’t feel like I’m ready for it.
What is Celibacy Like?
Lakeisha : I have no thoughts about it on a day to day, it just does not enter my mind. However, I do miss intimacy, being cuddled, hand holding and just being myself in someone’s presence. Saying this, I do have a high sex drive and when I am with someone, it is like a light switch is flicked on. I feel like I only think about how long I’ve gone without sex when someone asks or if I’m around someone I’d want to have sex with lol.
SNK: When I first started journeying into celibacy, I was still figuring out how I wanted to define it. At first I was comfortable to date whilst refraining from any sexual activities and boy oh boy did I play myself. I was casually dating someone who would reassure me that it was all on my terms and say things like “I wouldn’t be speaking to you if I only wanted sex”. By date three, the sweet reassuring words were not matching his actions. Which is no fault of his! Don’t get me wrong, someone recently told me that they couldn’t date a guy who wasn’t also already celibate and I totally understand why. I think it’s both an unfair and unrealistic ask. Safe to say, I decided refraining from both sex and dating is more suited to me.
Any Benefits?
Lakeisha : I do think being alone and fully getting to know yourself is great, I really enjoy not having to deal with anyone else’s energy, but I completely understand it is not for everyone. I have friends who I know couldn’t be celibate and that’s ok. Overall, I feel positive about my experience with it. I do always make jokes like, “I am losing hearing in my left eye, it’s been so long” but that is mainly because I take absolutely nothing seriously ahaha.
SNK : I’d say so, I think at some point everyone should have a period being off the market. Whether it’s to move on from a breakup, to remember who are outside of a relationship, to figure out what you want romantically/sexually or just to enjoy being single. I can put my hands up and admit that I tend to lose myself when dating someone. I try to fit the mould of what they expect me to be.
Any Negatives?
Lakeisha : As I said, I do really miss intimacy. I really miss being comfortable and safe with someone and having that connection. I’ve also realised recently; I can’t really interpret male interactions anymore- it’s a bit weird but I now overthink everything- even when something is as clear as day. Defo something to work on once I get back out there.
SNK : I think when people become celibate they can get really wrapped up in how long they’re abstaining for and this has a negative impact on them mentally. If the focal point of your celibacy journey is how long you can go for, the moment you do end it, you may feel guilty or upset with yourself. This isn’t a competition, going 2 years rather than 12 or even one month will not make your journey any less valid.
Overall
Lakeisha : I love protecting my peace and not having to deal with any of the consequences of sex! No pregnancy or STI scares, I’m no longer on the pill- so I am in a much better place with my depression, I don’t have to worry about being ghosted, I don’t care if I’m liked or not- it’s honestly been great. There are some downsides and I do feel like time is passing by so quickly, that I may never find someone to crack these eggs lol, but I can say it has been a beneficial period in my life and healing journey. I do have to say, I don’t intend on this lasting forever and I can’t wait to get busy again (with the right person of course)!
SNK : Have you ever heard someone ask ‘if you were to meet yourself where you are right now in your life, would you date you?’ Bitch, I would run a mile. This is the perfect time to really work on and analyse my dating habits without any distractions. It is truly a bumpy ride, I have moments when I don’t think about it at all and moments when my coochie wants to be a hoochie. But most importantly, I am working on myself and my own personal improvement. If you’re considering celibacy my main piece of advice will be to set realistic boundaries for yourself and don’t beat yourself up if you happen to cross them.
The Powder Room 