FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS : HOW TO MAKE IT WORK

Written by Lakeisha and SNK

“A friends-with-benefits (FWB) relationship is one in which two people are physically intimate with one another, yet they’re not committed to each other in any way. People involved in a friends-with-benefits relationship clearly enjoy spending time together, but their relationship isn’t romantic and has no strings attached.”
Brides.com, ‘Friends With Benefits: What Does It Mean and Is It Right for You?’, 26.09.22

SNK

A combination of witnessing an unbelivable amount of toxic relationships and the on-going battle with my own insecurities has always made it harder to connect with others romantically. So during my late teens/early twenties, I decided to delve into the world of Friends with Benefits.

Yes, I have lived to tell the tale and now I am going to give you the tea. FWB takes work and I do not blame anyone for wanting to avoid it like the plague. It’s a relationship, a non-romantic one yes, but a relationship nonetheless. Okay, a disclaimer before we start. These tips are simply based off our own experiences, boo thang, we cannot guarantee rainbows and sunshine so take everything with a pinch of salt and a shot of tequila.

TIP 1: WHERE DO YOU SEE THIS GOING?

The only answer is nowhere. FWB is not a means to transition into a romantic relationship. It is not possible to be fuck buddies with someone you have feelings for. If that’s what you’re hoping for, I’ve got to break it to you. It will likely end in heartbreak and leave you feeling used or unworthy. I hear the terms dickmatized and pussy whipped thrown around a lot, hunny pie – no. I don’t know who holds this magic power, but it’s got to be a chosen few and it isn’t you. No matter how good you throw it down, your sexual organs will not make them fall in love with you. If you want to maintain a healthy FWB, find someone you’re physically attracted to, whose company you enjoy and the sex even better but nothing more!

TIP 2: ESTABLISH YOUR BOUNDARIES – INSIDE AND OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM

When going into this, you both need to be on the same page about what you’re expecting. Be honest, be clear, be certain. Before stripping down, sit ya ass down and lay it all out on the table. Communication is key in every kind of relationship! What are you willing to do together and what will you put in place to ensure you do not cross the line. Once your boundaries are established, you’ve got to work on maintaing them. It’s important to continue communicating your thoughts and feelings throughout the duration of your FWB relationship.

Examples of boundaries to discuss:

How much access are you willing to give each other (texts, calls, meet ups)
Will this relationship be made public or just between yourselves
Clarifying the practice of safe sex, protection and STI testing
Stance on dating/sleeping with other people and what is on a need to know basis
Safewords and limits

TIP 3: KNOW WHEN TO CALL IT QUITS

Beyond the obvious fact that this cannot last forever. I personally think any FWB going longer than 6 months is a dangerous game. As more time goes on, the more comfortable you get and the more laxed you are on boundaries you’ve set (oo, its giving cat in the hat). Have a timeframe in mind, but ofc things can pop out of nowhere. Maybe you’ve met someone else, maybe you need to take a step back or you’ve simply decided this relationship doesn’t serve you purpose anymore.

Listen, this takes works, we are only human. The best way to navigate FWB is to focus on communication. Which, I actually find happens a lot easier to do than in a romantic relationship.

The Tea

My rules:

No introducing to friends
No dates
No daily communication
No kissing outside of sex

Dean and I met on Tinder, harrowing I know but a success story still. His Tinder bio made me giggle and he was certainly my cup of tea in terms of looks. Tall, long hair, sprinkle of punk rock and a whole lot of nerdy. I was delighted that he looked like his photos when we met in person a month later. He’s cute, funny and super freaking smart! On our first (and last) date, we went out for drinks. At bar no.1, I knew I wasn’t going to pursue a romantic relationship with Dean. By bar no.3, I initiated what soon became a three month long FWB relationhship. It was great! We’d hang out, binge watch our favourite shows, play a simpler variation of poker that I’d always beat him at. (Which he’d make up for by graciously beating me at pool), he’d cook – I’d eat. I honestly really enjoyed being around Dean and of course, the sex. Beyond that, Dean was genuinely an amazing friend. He helped me through three losses, sent a job my way when I was struggling with unemployment and paid for quite literally everything because again, I was an unemployed babe at the time. Dean and I never went on dates, we spent all our time at his flat unless it was to play pool or go grocery shopping. My friends knew of Dean, but never met or spoke to him. He did invite me to meet his friends once and I considered it but knew it wasn’t the right call (and to this day regret not being honest about that). It was clear from the get-go what this was going to be and we both had an idea of when it would come to an end since I was moving abroad. We left no room for jealousy or the creeping in of a grey ‘situationship’ area. Dean knew the kind of person I wanted to be with and would joke about being invited to the wedding. We would talk openly about our dating lives and as the time for me to move abroad came closer, I would actively have a little swipe on his Tinder to find my replacement lool. A parting gift so to say. Another 3 months went by and when I returned from my travels, we met up for coffee and caught up. I was celibate and sober at time and Dean had started a relationship. It was good while it lasted and I have absolutely no regrets, (except maybe I wish I could’ve repaid Dean for everything he did).

LAKEISHA

We’re just friends! We are JUST friends! As his d*ck is literally clogging my airway and I’m being told I’m a good girl. Safe to say I am not immune to the phenomenon that is friends with benefits.

After nursing wounds of a 6.5 years relationship that ended with my fiancé cheating on me, I saw the guy who would become a great friend from across the room and I made a mental note that I would sleep with him one day. 3 months later, on a night out, who did I bump into? It was go time, I went up to him, we danced all night, he offered to walk me home and when we got back, I invited him in. I had to go to the bathroom to physc myself up as at that point I had the ripe old body count of 1 and had no clue who I thought I was, embarking on a one-night stand with someone I didn’t know, but a good time was had. The morning after I nudged him to wake up and kicked him out my flat haha! I don’t know why but it felt foreign having someone in my space after being alone for 1.5 years. Why did this man go shops and come back with breakfast? He let himself into my kitchen, started cooking and brought me breakfast in bed; after chatting for hours, I realised OK this dude is so down to earth, funny as hell and we had a lot in common.

Both of us were wounded, having had long relationships end and so we knew it was never going to be a relationship ting- we were just two people very comfortable around each other who happen to occasionally have sex. Over the years we became so comfortable I was helping him write his texts to his ex to get them back together and he would keep me sane during my episodes, it truly was a good friendship and to this day I want nothing but the best for him.

What could go wrong- HAHA let us all laugh together.

WHAT WORKED WELL FOR US

We never did dates type things. We obviously spent time together, but if we went out it was in a group, or he’d chill at mine as I lived alone. We went cinema once and it felt too much like a date, so we knocked that on the head. He used to come into Nando’s and get free dinner though when I was on shift but as I was working it would negate the feeling of a dinner date.
We had clear boundaries. For example, I never assumed he’d come back with me after a night out, so if he pulled I wouldn’t cockblock. He wouldn’t assumed we were having sex every time he came over. We stayed out of each other’s love life unless invited in by the other. We never took anything personally- he was studying, and I was working 2 jobs so sometimes our lives got in the way of the “you up” text. Respecting the fact that we were never in a place where either one of us felt obligated to report to each other or felt the need to monitor each other’s movements. We both were good at making sure we respected when the other was dating/in a relationship. There was never jealousy or trying to sabotage the other and when whatever ended, we’d fall back into routine.
We actually liked each other. I hear horror stories about peoples’ friends with benefits and I always think, does that person even like you bro! Its crazy to me that some people sleep with their “friends” but if you took a step back, that person shouldn’t even be considered a friend even without the extra layer of sex added into the mix.

WHERE IT ALL FELL APART

Well obviously, I became too invested LOL. In my defence, this dude had seen me through some episodes, seen me looking my worst, seen me breakdown over my ex and kept coming back, so I put 2 and 2 together and got 5 haha. Once I realised it wouldn’t go any further, I backed off to get my emotions in check and we had a gap in our friendship.
He was going through it with his ex. I knew how much she meant to him, so in the beginning I was that supportive friend, proof reading messages before he sent them, giving him pep talks on the best way to win her back and just generally feeding his delusions that they’ll get back together. In hindsight, I probably did more harm than good as I only ever had his side of the story and never really considered why they ended in the first place.
We both left the city we met in. I mean that kind of explains itself- I was NOT going to his little village.
Life. We just grew up. I think these things always have a natural end and that’s ok. We still kept in touch for quite a while after the sex stopped but ultimately, you just grow apart.

I feel like, if you can find someone who respects your boundaries and won’t get all clingy then friends with benefits is great. You get everything you need without the commitment and stress of a full-blown relationship; but in reality, it’s not something that is sustainable, and someone is going to feel a way at some point. I could not imagine going through a FWB situation now at my age, so maybe there is an age cap on these things or maybe I am just done with dealing with other people lol. Either way it was fun while it lasted!