What To Expect When You’re No Longer Expecting

I feel like so many people have sex (protected or not) and still end up in shocked Pikachu mode when a pregnancy occurs, I mean pregnancy is a direct result of sex so why are we all always so shocked lol. Well you’ve guessed it, I was once in shocked Pikachu mode- the only difference is I wasn’t sat on a loo waiting for 2 minutes for a little pink strip, I was on a hospital bed.

---

It was a week before my 21^st birthday, the 5^th November to be exact when I found out I was pregnant; I had been suffering for about a day with the heaviest “period” I had experienced in a long time and pain that I honestly couldn’t describe. I was living in Leicester at the time and the hospital was about a 10-minute walk away, so I walked myself into A&E and asked the lady at the front desk for help and then I passed out. I woke up on a bed surrounded by a silver haired nurse, a doctor and about 5 other women in beds. I asked what was wrong with me and the nurse told me they were doing their best to find out, I was asked if I could be pregnant and I confidently said, “absolutely not”. I had been on the combined pill since I was 15 to help combat my terrible periods, I had never missed a day and I took it religiously at 7:45AM every morning (to the point I didn’t even need an alarm anymore to wake up, I could have gone out until 6AM the night before and still would wake up to pop that pill and go back to sleep). Now, my confidence was not met with agreement by the healthcare professionals around me, and I was asked to go toilet and provide a urine sample- I sighed but obliged. The nurse literally gave me (what I have now coined as) the “old English lady look” took my sample, went away to perform a pregnancy test AND LOW AND BEHOLD…. YA GIRL WAS PREGNANT!

Having the confirmation knocked the wind out of me, because HOW? I always took my pill. ALWAYS! Then I was immediately in a state of fear because I was bleeding so heavily, and I knew this would not be a positive situation in any way. My palms started sweating and I felt nauseous. I was rushed (I say rushed, this took about an hour and a half, but considering standard NHS wait times, this was pretty quick) in for an urgent ultra-sound to assess what was happening. This was a terrible experience, I was already in pain from the cramping and then was advised that in order to get a clear view of my womb I’d need a trans-vaginal ultrasound (this is where a probe is inserted into the vagina). 

I went in and the sonographer made the smallest of small talk (which didn’t put me at ease in the slightest). I cut her off during her explanation of what to expect and asked if I could just have a normal ultra-sound and not a transvaginal one; she explained it would be in my best interest to have the latter in order to get a clear view of what is going on but I dug my heels in. She agreed and went ahead and performed the ultra-sound, sighed, excused herself and left the room. From that sigh, I knew. When she came back I straight up said, “I know I’m miscarrying….how far along am I?”; she tried to shift and originally said I should speak to the Doctor but in my frustration I shouted at her “HOW FAR?”. She couldn’t tell fully due to the fact I opted out of the transvaginal scan but estimated roughly between 8-11 weeks give or take (first trimester). She asked if I wanted to look at the screen, but I said no – a decision I regret until this day. I was crushed, but I didn’t cry, I just said OK. Back on the ward I was told I’d have to stay in overnight for assessment, was given pain killers and told to rest.

---

That night I was due to go to a bonfire night with friends but instead I was laying in a bed that wasn’t mine, surrounded by people I didn’t know, in what could only be described as an adult nappy, feeling lost and confused by the whole situation. Anyone who has been in hospital knows that sleep is basically fairy-dust, it is impossible, the lights are on constantly, people are moving around, there is constant beeping from different machines etc, so after about an hour or two of sleep I just lay staring at the ceiling, thinking about everything I had done up until that point which could have caused this (more on this later). 

In the morning I had my bloods drawn, temperature and blood pressure taken; all was normal, and I was discharged, although I had to arrange a follow-up appointment after a week to ensure all tissue was expelled from the body. In some cases, there may be left over tissue from the foetus in the uterus due to an incomplete miscarriage and this can cause a serious infection. To avoid this the patient would need to under-go the vacuum aspiration (which is also used in abortions) in order to clear out the womb. In rare cases, surgery may be required to remove any remaining pregnancy. This typically happens if there has been continuous heavy bleeding for more than 14 days, there is evidence the remaining tissue has become infected/ toxic or if waiting to naturally expel and medicine has been unsuccessful. I was thankfully spared these procedures as it was confirmed during my follow-up my body had miscarried fully, YAY (!). 

THE AFTERMATH

My boyfriend of 5 years at the time was visiting family in London so I had spent the whole time in hospital alone and went back to the empty apartment we shared together. When we spoke on the phone, he apologised that I was alone and he came back without question, it only took him a couple of hours, but it felt like a lifetime. When he got home, he just got into bed with me. I still hadn’t cried by this point but him just holding me made the floodgates open and I cried more than I knew possible. All I could think was to apologise to him – partly for even getting pregnant in the first place (because again, how?), but also because my body didn’t do what other women could. We just lay in bed for hours until he got up and “did the rounds”. He went into my work and told them the situation- I had all my shifts covered for a week, I believe he spoke to my tutors at uni too. He also asked me if I wanted to cancel my 21^st birthday party and who he needed to talk to. For some strange reason I felt so overwhelmed with guilt that I lied and said I still wanted it. I didn’t want those coming from London to be out of pocket as they had already bought train/coach tickets. I had already invited the world and his wife from uni and the thought of explaining why I was cancelling scared me way more than just going ahead with it; so, I just went ahead with it. I spent a large majority of my party hiding and crying in a toilet stall, I’m sure everyone else had fun though. 

I then went into hate mode, I hated everything and everyone, I hated myself, I blamed myself and no one could convince me otherwise. I especially hated how well my boyfriend just got on with life, he showed next to no emotion and continued to go work and uni whilst I fell apart. I genuinely believed he didn’t care about what had happened, but I later found out he was grieving in private to stay strong for me. Although I found out he did grieve, there was always a slight bit of dislike for him- I never really understood his process of grief and therefore thought it didn’t happen at all. The first week I think I showered once, and I lay in bed with time passing so quickly and slowly simultaneously, I could see the change from day to night and back to day but I had no clue of time or what day of the week I was on. I gained an incredible amount of weight due to comfort eating and resorted to a lot of drinking- quite a significant amount of my drinking was hidden from my boyfriend in our en-suite toilet which was when I realised it wasn’t normal. I picked up another job working in a club (this alongside, full time university and 35hours in Nando’s) to avoid having time to think about the situation. Nothing was processed and everything was suppressed, possibly the unhealthiest coping mechanism- it is still something I do to this day. We both decided to name “her”, and I religiously light a small candle for her every 5^th November but outside of that, there really has been no real processing, I just moved on. I’ve cried very little and am very aware that it is a problem because I do carry a deep sense of pain and loss. From time to time I do feel twinges of jealousy towards all my friends who are mothers. I do catch myself thinking sometimes “wow I could have a 7/8/9 year old right now” (whatever the age may be) and letting my mind wonder on what my life could have been like with a child, but for the most part I am now OK with the cards I’ve been dealt.

What To Expect When You’re Longer Expecting

A miscarriage can be very upsetting, whether you were trying, it was a happy accident, or you were unaware; and you and your partner may need support (externally and from each other). This event can have a profound emotional impact on you, your partner and any family or friends around you. Sometimes this impact can be felt immediately, other times it can take weeks/ months and in some cases may only be triggered by another life event. I personally would suggest having a small memorial, but that isn’t for everyone and only you will know what would work best for you.

It is common to feel tired, lose your appetite, gain an appetite (comfort eat), have difficulty sleeping, and feel a wide range of emotions such as guilt, fear, anger, and sadness. Some feel the need to discuss their emotions, in order to process them and others may never speak about it again- either way is fine and acceptable. The father WILL (I cannot stress this enough) HE WILL be affected by the loss. Many people (myself included) unfortunately dismiss or overlook the father’s feelings, purely because sometimes they may minimise or hide their emotions, in order to support the mother or because we are so consumed in our own grief we just cannot see theirs. But they are human and grieving for them is just as hard, sometimes harder (if they are not able to express themselves) and all involved should be met with kindness, understanding and love. If you already have a family, children may also notice and may also express grief. Children are very inquisitive, and you may need to have a discussion with them if they were made aware their mother was expecting and now no longer is. 

If you are actively trying to get pregnant, I would suggest having counselling and fully grieving your lost pregnancy before throwing yourself into trying again. It is suggested waiting 4-8 weeks to allow your cycle to settle before trying again. 

It is important to remember that for most women, miscarriage is typically a one-off event and there should be no implications on future pregnancies. If you are experiencing difficulties, there may be an underlying issue which should be explored with your GP. There is nothing wrong with you if you experience a miscarriage. If you are the partner of someone who has miscarried, hiding/ bottling up emotions does not tend to help; be open and honest and move through the experience together. If you are experiencing a miscarriage whilst single, reach out to a friend or family member to help you through this difficult time. It is not the end of the journey and even if you experience multiple miscarriages or have difficulties in getting/staying pregnant, there are still multiple ways you can have a family if you wish to! ❤ 

---

I’ve written this because I wish I had someone who had gone through this to talk to or to share their experience. I had the classics, “you’ll be ok” , “you’re young you can try again at the right time” etc, but honestly the words would just go in one ear and out the other because I always used to feel they were empty words. And honestly, writing this and (hopefully) helping someone else, has truly helped me. I’ve never openly discussed what happened or how I’ve felt since, even with my boyfriend at the time so I hope me being open and honest can help someone.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/miscarriage/

https://www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/miscarriage-information-and-support/miscarriage-statistics

Support groups