Written By SNK
Let’s just get this out in the open. In no way shape or form am I telling you to break up with your partner or that your relationship is in fact unhappy. If you do experience the accounts mentioned, no need to worry. Just sit with yourself and think about it and then take this chance to discuss things with your partner. Commit to changing things together as a couple or to change things as an individual. Either way, it’s better than experiencing these things and doing absolutely nothing and potentially staying unhappy.
You dread the idea of spending time together
Occasionally, we need time to ourselves especially once the honeymoon period has worn off or lockdown has finally ended and you’ve suddenly realised that for the past 5 weeks you’ve seen only your partner nearly everyday, in addition to calls, texts and everything in between. Or maybe you’ve been with your partner for years, you may begin to feel as though you can’t remember the person you were before the relationship. All of the above is totally okay and completely normal in relationships. But there are instances where maybe even after some time apart or after minimized contact that feeling still lingers. You make up excuses to postpone meeting up, you dive into work and new projects (or at least that’s what you tell your partner) just so you can avoid spending time together. It can be something you don’t realize you’re doing at first or you think you’re not doing it on purpose but your partner has most likely picked up on it. When you hear phrases such as: “you never have time for us”, “you’re always working late”, “you’re always out with your friends”. You immediately become defensive instead of hearing them out or better yet setting some time aside in your schedule to spend some quality time together. If you’re quick out the door or rushing to end phone calls, you should probably have a think about whether this is someone you actually enjoy being around.
You can no longer imagine a future with your partner
Thinking long-term, your partner and yourself have probably been discussing your future plans. Moving cities, buying a house, career plans etc. It’s necessary to plan ahead with the person you consider spending the rest of your life with. You may have seen a scene in a movie where someone gets a big promotion and the first thing they say is “I’ve got to talk to my partner about this”. Now, if you’re doing the complete opposite and making major decisions without your partner’s input…it’s highly likely that it’s because you don’t see your partner in your future. Or, you simply don’t care whether they come along for the ride or not. (That gives me “you can come if you want” vibes and it makes my skin crawl). This is something I’ve experienced myself. An ex partner and I had our own prior future plans before getting together. Our plans were not compatible at all and I felt like I was the only one willing to compromise. By the end of the relationship instead of trying to figure out ways in my head to make the relationship work. I began imagining my life, my career, raising a family etc. without him. I’m not the ‘we’ll figure it out when we get there’ sorta gal. So maybe this isn’t an issue for you. But in terms of building a relationship, if after all the compromising (or lack of) you can not see a future with your partner..is it fair on either one of you to act as though that isn’t the case?
You no longer want to be touched by your partner
Physical touch varies among different couples, some are full on PDA all day everyday. Others keep it to a minimum, sticking to hand holding in public or keeping everything behind closed doors. Having some level of intimacy through physical touch is common and (imo) needed in a relationship. It provides a feeling of oneness, safety and desire. When you wince at the touch of your partner, it can be because you feel a disconnect. When people think of physical touch being lost in a relationship they automatically jump to sex. Which yes, is a part of that, I just disagree that it is a major signifier. A person may not want to have sex for multiple reasons. Considering physical touch as a whole, when that connection is lost, instead of oneness, you feel distant. Instead of safety, you feel invaded and desire is replaced with disgust. Slipping your hand away or finding an excuse to have your hands full to avoid hand holding. Hiding your face and looking away to avoid kissing. Feeling your body cave inwards when your partner embraces you for a hug. Again, this doesn’t totally mean you’re unhappy with your partner, maybe you just weren’t in the mood to be touched that day! But let’s say now it’s 2 weeks later, you still can’t shift that feeling and your partner has finally brought it up. Sitting down and discussing how you’re feeling with your partner will be a lot easier and fairer on yourself than forcing yourself to engage in something you’re not okay/comfortable with.
You hold grudges and let everything get under your skin
The classic, starting arguments out of thin air but you don’t know why. Well, here’s a possible answer. We’re human, we get annoyed by things, it happens. Especially if the person annoying you is your partner, it becomes x1000 because we assume they should know you better than to do whatever it is that they’re doing. But if you’re continuously holding on to anger or picking at everything your partner does….you’ve probably had enough. Again, speaking from personal experience. At a time where a previous partner was actually making an effort with the relationship, my mind was flooded with all the times they had done something which either hurt me or made me lose my absolute nut. I couldn’t appreciate any good deed happening in that moment because I had about 5 instances at hand overriding said goodness. Everything annoyed me, everything was an issue, including the issues I thought were resolved. Honey pie, you’ve got to be honest with yourself and importantly honest with your partner in saying ‘I’m unhappy in this relationship’
I can only write what I have experienced and how things have unfolded with people I was seeing in the past. There is no magic equation, there will be no divine intervention on whether the person you are with should in fact be the person you’re with forever. But if these things do occur for you, it’s worth exploring.
The Powder Room 
Very insightful post! Amazing!
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